Family as community

Recently 18 million viewers on YouTube witnessed one very frustrated father take a 45 caliber pistol to his 15 year old daughters? laptop.

Without going into a lot of detail, his daughter had expressed outraged feelings of oppression and exploitation regarding her roles and responsibilities within her family?s household. Attempting to conceal her full self-expression from her family?s eyes, she posted her outrage and expose on Facebook. The result was innocent technology very publicly sacrificed upon the altar of parental frustration and anger.

The resulting and viral YouTube video was her father?s attempt to deal with his feelings of disrespect, outrage and exploitation. His dramatic response generated a careful visit from child protective services that discovered that children were indeed safe and that all guns were safely kept in the home.

But what if there had been another way to handle the family dynamics such that all participants were fully aware of their relationship to one another and then signed willingly on to do their part?

Our role as parents is to grow the capacities of our children step by step until they are fully prepared to leave our nest and fulfill their responsibilities as adults.

What that means for parents of teenagers is that they need to transition from being the directors of their children?s lives, entirely appropriate for children up to adolescence, to being the producers of their teenage children?s lives. This involves a carefully thought out and planned restructuring of family roles and responsibilities that allows for honor and respect for all parties while providing a safe nurturing environment in which teenagers may grow.

In the case of mutually outraged dads, moms, sons and daughters I urge families to step back and restructure their home as a family community of adults and near-adults with all roles and responsibilities clearly distinguished, divided, and agreed upon by all parties.

What there is to do is to hold a family council ad talk to one another, parents and teenagers, asking the following questions.
Now that all members are growing up:

? What is a family as a community?
? What does it take to run one successfully?
? What are the roles and responsibilities of all members?
? What is your, my, and our part in all of the above?

Had the daughter been invited into that conversation she may very well have:

? Felt honored as the near-adult she is becoming.
? Gratified that she was invited into an adult-level conversation
? Had an opportunity to express her views and her treated with respect.
? Chosen, after negotiation, which roles and responsibilities she was prepared to sign on and commit to.

After those agreements are reached the role of parents is to help teenagers grow in integrity, expand their capacity to honor their word, which will serve them when they become fully adult.

Will there still be conflicts, some resistance, and instances of ?I don?t wannas?? Certainly.

The difference is that in a family community there is a solid foundation for mutual honor and respect that supports communication, and effectively grows the capacity for every family member to work things out amicably.

In well structured producer families there can be no need to express such total parental outrage, resentment, frustration and anger; there need never be such wounding and insulting Facebook diatribes nor 45 caliber bullets applied to innocent technology.
Don?t retaliate, communicate and then negotiate.

Everybody wins.

How would you handle this situation?

Asks: Paul@relationshipliteracy.com

Source: http://www.authenticwritingprovokes.com/inspiredwriting/2012/02/teenage-children-guns-required-dont-retaliate-negotiate/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=teenage-children-guns-required-dont-retaliate-negotiate

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